7 Questions To Finding Your Passion

1. What puts a smile on your face?

Listening to live jazz with great food and my closest friends.  Blue skies.  A great piece of music that moves me a certain way.  When people can make jokes about themselves and be confident in who they are.  When other people are happy around me.  Being with a group of friends that are funny.  Textured oil paintings.  Watching people talk about their passions and how they have succeeded.

2. What do you find easy?

Learning new songs on the guitar.  Learning new software.  Puzzle games.  Finding fun in the most boring places and being spontaneous.  Seeing possibilities, potential in people.

3. What sparks your creativity?

Things that happen in life.  Usually social situations.  The weather.  Great art with vivid colour and especially texture.

4. What would you do for free?

Listen to people and their problems.  Try to motivate people to do their best and to reach their full potential by realizing their passions and acting on them.

5. What do you like to talk about?

I like talking about things that are new, I love talking about relationships, goals, dreams, passions, successes, business.  I love talking about social situations, how people react to things and examine why people do the things they do.

6. What makes you unafraid of failure?

Starting a business.  Playing music/learning a new song on any instrument.  Cooking and baking.  Taking pictures.  Talking to strangers.

7. What would you regret not having tried?

Culinary arts.  Fine arts school.  Composing music.  Life couch.

Gary Vaynerchuck – Building Personal Brand Within the Social Media Landscape

Awesome

My Success Story

So I came up with this idea which I am pretty sure its been done before — but I want to write my success story.  I want to write it before it happens.  I need a clear vision for my future.  I don’t need the details, but I need to know the direction I am going and why.  I need to realize my passions.  I need to do it before I get old and regret going the safe route and always living by others’ expectations of me.  I need to be myself.

I am unmotivated in school.  I think ever since I arrived at university, I always knew I would not like it.  Three years later, nothing has changed.  I worked so hard just to secure a spot for myself here, and when I finally arrived, I found that I was not good enough or, I was no longer among the top 10% of my class.  I was now average, an A-student among A-students and even more, A+ students who had taken advanced calculus.

So where did I fit in all this?  I was no longer special.  In fact, I think I was among the slowest.  I guess you could say that coming here made me realize just how many intelligent people existed and how much of my academic confidence thrived on the fact that I was always incrementally smarter than my colleagues.  This was no longer the case.  I remember doing my first calculus assignment with friends I had just made. We were on question 1 and even then I had stumbled, asking, “wait, why does that make sense?”

They said, “you know, its so simple, just look at it.”

“Okay.” I said.

But it really wasn’t okay but I really did not get it.  I did not get how quickly they processed it.  I usually have to examine and ponder about it or have a teacher pound the information into my head.  From here I think I developed a mechanism.  I hated feeling like I was the only one that didn’t “get it.”  I lied to myself throughout the years in my classes telling myself that “I got it” that I could be just like them and pretend to get it.

Truth is, I have not learned anything in the past 3 years I’ve been here.  That is, if you were to ask me something about my courses, the amount of content that I had actually learned would be very little.  Should I have gotten help?  Maybe take fewer courses in order to fully understand what was going on?  Probably.  But the fact is, I didn’t.  I didn’t.  I chose to stay silent out of fear that others would judge me for being stupid and for not being able to understand something so simple.  Now, whenever something gets difficult in my courses (which it always does) I have this unnerving stomach feeling and I just want to gloss over it.  My ability to learn has been deeply scarred.

I shouldn’t pity myself and I shouldn’t make excuses, because I believe life is about second chances.  I like to believe that one day I will have everything I have ever wanted and more.  I believe that it is never to late to start life — but that is by no means a reason to delay yourself another second.  That is the mentality I have been taking on for quite some time.

Today I felt pretty bad about my performance in my  group projects.  When it comes to contributing opinions or thoughts, I get so nervous.  I can’t contribute, I can’t.  I feel like someone is just going to think I am stupid.

Alas, such is life.  I realize there are a ton of insecurities that I possess that I myself would like to get rid of and never see again, ever.  There’s just this thought of “what should I have done instead?”  Should I have pursued something else?  Engineering is not fun.  I am not passionate about it.  All this talk about not having to enjoy your work for it to be satisfying is absolute bull$h!t.  These salary men, I hate it when they say that.

Screw you, I want to enjoy my work.  I don’t want comfortable.  I want to do something I care about something I believe it.

I want to say at the end of my life “I may not have been the best student in university, but I found something I was passionate about and devoted my time to that.  And it is only that passion and determination that has brought me the success I have today.”

I want to be able to say that.  I want to be successful.  I see potential, but I do not see action, in my life.  I want to see difference.  I don’t want to see anymore indifference because that is what the shy persona is telling me to do.  Its safe.  No one will laugh at your ideas.  No one will think you are stupid.

That is the future I envision.  One where I am in my rich red brick-walled loft with white walls running a business I care about.  With people I care about.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a slow walker, so long as you don’t walk backwards.

-Abraham Lincoln

A goal is a dream that has an ending.

– Duke Ellington

You can have anything you want—if you want it badly enough.  You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish if you hold to that desire with a singleness of purpose.

Abraham Lincoln

If you have the courage to begin, you have the courage to succeed.

David Viscott

pressure pressure pressure pressure pressure pressure pressure

I always come to this freaking state. I have a ton of work to do, my procrastination leads to me getting stressed out, I have taken on more than I can handle, I hate myself for going into this program, I hate that I chose such a goddamn program that I don’t give a tuck about. I hate my life. I hate that the guy I like won’t treat me the way I want. I hate that I have found out that I can be a needy woman, too.

I am finding out that I am human, that nothing can even come close to perfection, that I cannot always choose the right route the first time around. I am learning to be myself while at the same time choosing who I would like to be. It is an uncertain stage, as other peoples’ opinions seem to have more impact and influence on me than my own.

I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where I am going. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know.

Can’t I just stay here, in this room, in this music, in the refuge of the piano and strings and all this glorious abandonment of reality? Dario Marianelli, you are the man of the hour.  I’ve been listening to his soundtracks from Atonement and V for Vendetta, and they are amazing.  Simply amazing.

i’m pissed off.

Why, tell me why, would he do that?  Why would he do such a disgusting, perverted thing in front of me?  Is it because our conversation was much too boring that he had to add in something like that?

I’m beginning to think that he did this for a reason.  He knows how much I am opposed to doing any of these things and “exploring” these things, and so in an effort to get rid of me he deliberately laid it out in front of me just to disgust me and make me break up with him.

I was so infatuated with him.  I thought of him all the time, thought of all the awesome things we did together like go to Montreal, listen to jazz music together, ran around Kanata in the snow freezing our butts off — we had a great time.  Everything was perfect.

Then the discussion began: “How would you quantify our relationship?”

“How do I make you feel?”

“What do you like about me?”

I couldn’t give him a straight answer for any of these.  I can’t help but think that it is my fault that he’d resort to such a thing.  I must admit that I don’t do much talking so it’d probably be kind of difficult to have a relationship with me because I don’t give much feedback.  But anyway!  That’s out of the question.

It was 4am his time and he was still up.  Normally, he’d be in bed by like 12pm but no.  He was still up.  Apparently he had been up all night.  I know that he went to a pub tonight, he told me earlier he was going to some pier and I am pretty sure he drank quite a bit.  He had that higher pitched gentle voice that he usually has when he’s…..happy?  For lack of better term.. or rather, appropriate term..

I am angry at him right now.  I am angry that he had the audacity to do that.  I am angry because I feel so cheap for liking a guy like that.  I feel angry because it makes me feel stupid and naive and insecure and I feel like I might get weathered by this experience and become one of those insincere women whose main purpose is to make guys’ lives hell.  I don’t want to become that.  I don’t, at all.  I don’t want to hurt anyone.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I don’t.  I don’t want to make anyone do anything that they would not want to do and would not push them into something they are not comfortable with.

I think I need to face the facts that we are two very completely different people.  I really don’t want to lose him — that is what makes me feel a bit sick, though.  Perhaps it was desperation that led me to him.  I didn’t really… I mean… in the club.. he looked at me quite intently.. and I was ignoring him all night.

Why, Alyssa, why do you subject yourself to this?

I am definitely learning a lot.  I just, I just hate that this would end up the way it has.  I feel as though our relationship has ended tonight.  I feel like he wanted me to break up with him.  I feel like he doesn’t like me at all.  I feel stupid and worthless for letting myself get into such a relationship.  I feel like I’ve lowered my standards so much for the sake of making him like me.  If he can’t accept what I am and what I believe in then perhaps he did not like me as much as I thought he did.

Nice choice, Alyssa.

You’ve got to do the right thing, and you know what that is.  There are plenty of other decent guys out there — much more decent, and he is not included in that decency list.  You know it.  You knew it all along.  It was fun, but now it’s time to face reality that that is who he is.  You can’t change him.  You can’t.  He is who he is, and if you can’t accept him how he is now, then it will be difficult for you in the future to remain in this relationship.

i’m pretty tuckin scared for the new year

I wish I could start off the blog with a more optimistic title, but alas, I promised myself I would not lie on this blog.  It is here that I can be completely honest with myself and the world, not to mention more articulate that I would in speech.  What’s with my tongue lately, anyway?

It has been a long time since I’ve actually sat down and did some free writing.  The past 3 months in Ottawa have been a roller coaster ride and I have had many — I wouldn’t say life changing, but character changing experiences.  Before I left, I was this awkward, insecure, unassuming, sheltered little asian girl from BC.  Sure, I might still be that girl, but I very much am less and less those things every day.  I felt that being around all those friendly people has made me into a better person.  I’ve never felt more comfortable with myself, to be random, to be and to say what it is that is on my mind.  I’ve done some social experimenting I guess you could say.

There are some things I am unsure of, however.  One thing in particular.  It’s about a boy.  We’ve been seeing each other for the past three weeks.  Sometimes I worry that he’ll realize what I weirdo I am and not like me anymore.  Other times, I think that we could be together forever.  This is my first relationship or rather, first person I’ve dated, and I’ve been told that there’s a lot of impractical thinking that comes with one’s first “boyfriend”.  Or date.  See, I’m so afraid of moving too fast.  I’m afraid that I might be looking into it way too much and that the other person is not putting in as much as I am, emotionally, that is.  Ultimately, I’m afraid of giving myself away to someone who really does not want me as much as I want them.

I really do not know why I like him.  Do I like him because he seems to like me, or do I really like him?  Do I like him because of the way he makes me feel when he tells me all these nice things or do I like him for who he is?  I admire the person he is, that he is confident, driven, funny at times, and seems to have a pretty good sense of self.  But, I don’t know.  When it comes to telling him how I feel about him, I just can’t let it out.  Does that make me emotionally stupid?  Why can’t I express the way I am feeling on the inside?  Where is the depth?

In about a year or so, I am going to graduate.  Of course that question is always being asked “What are you going to do after you graduate?”

My usual response, being “I’m not sure”, just doesn’t seem good enough anymore.  I mean, first year, second year, sure.  But really, I’m almost at the finish line and would’ve thought I’d have it figured out by now.

Truth is, I’m pretty damn scared.  There are a million things I want to be and want to accomplish.  I know that I am a dreamer and that I want more than I know I can have because I know there is infinite potential in everyone’s life.  I just don’t know how to grab it.  There’s this gut feeling I have that tells me I need to break out and just run away and do whatever it is I need to do to get there. Then something that disguises itself as reality tells me there’s not such thing as there.

Fear, insecurity, wasted potential, baggage, parents’ expectations, the status quo, finances, comfort zones, you name it, the list goes on.  Everything seems to want me to fail and I am giving in at the moment.  I will take a stand, however.  I will.  I will not waste time trying to figure out what it is that is holding me back, I will take a positive stand and move forward.

I feel like being positive is the right move and the only move at the moment but my current headache is preventing me from doing so.  I plan to accomplish much this year but am too lazy, too afraid to begin.  I’m being a loser today and I need to stop it.

I have a headache and need to eat otherwise this blog’s going to get a lot less interesting and perhaps angrier.

Later.

it was a good day.

Something’s different.  Being here makes me feel a lot different about life.  I think the sheltered life I lived back home really kept me in a dark corner.  There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t have at least 5 things I regretted that day.  It was a never-ending cycle of self-hate and worry and anxiety and loneliness.  That sounds pretty lame, yeah, but its true.  The thing is, I’m still the same person I was back home.  But one thing I think, is different.  People don’t ignore me.  Back home, everything is set in stone.  People have formed their solid circles of friends.  There’s no invite here and there, its either you have your set of friends or you don’t.

I actually like meeting new people.  I used to loath it, I guess because deep down I thought that nobody actually wanted to meet me anyway.  I didn’t want anyone to know me long enough to see all of the nerdy, dorky things I do, that make me, me.

I’m realizing that it is okay to be the way you are.  Its okay to be different.  Its okay if you don’t fit it with everyone, if you aren’t as funny as that person, if you aren’t as pretty as her, if you aren’t as stylish as the next person.  What matters most, in my opinion, is the optimism you bring to the table.  It matters that you feel that every moment matters, and that you make the most of it.  That sounds trite, I know.  But I’m realizing how true that is right now.  It’s not who you were yesterday, but its who you are right now that matters.  You think that people have passed judgement on you but I’ve realized that you can never measure up to peoples’ expectations.

You can’t worry about what other people think of you.  You can’t worry about whether you made a good enough impression that they want to stick around.  It is that very thought that changes the way you do things, and its a bad sort of change.

Anyway, today is one of those days where I feel that I don’t want to leave it.  I’m enjoying myself here, and all of the friendships I’m making.  I’m loving this place and have a certain peace with it.  Everyone is in the same boat, and going through similar situations.  Everyone is connected and related.  I don’t think anyone dislikes anybody, really.  And I love that.  The sad part is that I know that all of this will come to an end in December when my work term is up.  Life is going to continue.  It hurts, but at the same time, I need to remind myself that the best is yet to come.  I have to.  I have to.

Savour every moment.  Soak up the sunshine.  Be nice to everyone and work hard!

Love,

Alyssa

if i may be so hedonistic for the time being

I won’t deny it. Being away from home has stirred in me a lot of new desires to do certain things. No, I don’t mean those things which you must not do before marriage which I will hold my ground on, thank you very much.

“What are these things?”, you ask.

They include:

-going clubbing and dressing up nicely

-heaven forbid, wanting a boyfriend? (that’s a new one)

-meeting new people

-seeing what the bar scene is all about, scope it out once or something

-try alcohol, not get drunk, but try what they call “social drinking”

I think that’s it. If you’d ask me a month ago whether I planned on doing any of these things, I’d judge you and tell you that you were harlot. Just kidding. I do know, however, that I’d be very much opposed to these things. I mean, come on, me, Alyssa, the youngest daughter, the 4th year electrical engineer, Christian, hate to admit it but a little self-righteous at times, the one who tries to point out (quite brattyishly) her parents mistakes as if my moral standards are higher than theirs.. who would have thought that I would desire something like this.

I read something by Ravi Zacharias, who also quoted someone else on this, and it is that you don’t really know the place in which you live until you’ve lived somewhere else. Understand? I see that in the way that I live. Sure, you could claim to be certain things, to want this or that, or not want this or that, but if you were actually given the chance to do that, would you take it, if the surroundings changed?  How much of what you do is or believe is held intact by others’ opinions of you, by others’ expectations, by others, period?

Freedom. Is this freedom? I guess it feels good to be earning money on my own now. I felt very small every time my dad gave the payment for my rent at school, gave me allowance for the week, every week, paid for my books, paid for my golf clubs, paid for every little luxury in my sheltered world. I am very thankful, yes, but I know I could’ve earned that all myself. I should be thankful. I should. When someone gives you something, you should be thankful. — I can’t help but feel guilty. I’ll be honest. As much as it feels good to get something for free, I feel even more a burden to give back.

Well, I guess that’s not such a bad thing. But it makes being appreciative a bit harder. It’s all how you look at it.

Okay so one last paragraph to ease the vanity inside of me. Or something. Cause you know, everyone loves talking about themselves. I won’t deny it.

I love walking home. I’ve found such liberty in it, for some reason. Its the only time I can belt out any song in my mp3 player and no one will care — or I won’t care. There are few people around which I will sing in such a manner. Second, I love drinking soy chai lattes. They’re good, warm, filling company. Third, I love cooking without a recipe. I hate strict, inflexible… rules, things, whatever. I have to find a way to appease this in my career hunt.

Thanks for reading.

More to come, Heroes is on now!

=) Alyssa

pursuing your dreams can be just as scary as pushing them away

My creativity is being challenged — a lot.  I’ve always said that I wanted to do something in music.. and well, now that I’ve been given the chance to.. well, let’s just say its a lot more work than I had originally imagined.  Maybe its because I feel the pressure of expectations and having to please someone else because they have to like what I create.  If you’re wondering, I’m composing music for a short film.. this is my first project.

I want to be bold and to do amazing work by being passionate and doing the right thing.. but its so hard right now.  There’s this impending disaster, I feel.. I think its the doubt and fear of failure that everyone is talking about when it comes to pursuing a dream..  I don’t want it.  I don’t want that fear.  I wish everything were as glamourous as I imagined it to be..  Its not easy.. But I shouldn’t give up.. I won’t give up.. I will not give up.  Alyssa, you’ve never been passionate about anything else.  Your fears are telling you that you’re not going to make it, but you are.  This fear is just one hurdle to need to get over to get to the finish line.

You can do it.  Like in the movie Meet the Robinsons: keep moving forward.