pressure pressure pressure pressure pressure pressure pressure

I always come to this freaking state. I have a ton of work to do, my procrastination leads to me getting stressed out, I have taken on more than I can handle, I hate myself for going into this program, I hate that I chose such a goddamn program that I don’t give a tuck about. I hate my life. I hate that the guy I like won’t treat me the way I want. I hate that I have found out that I can be a needy woman, too.

I am finding out that I am human, that nothing can even come close to perfection, that I cannot always choose the right route the first time around. I am learning to be myself while at the same time choosing who I would like to be. It is an uncertain stage, as other peoples’ opinions seem to have more impact and influence on me than my own.

I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where I am going. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know.

Can’t I just stay here, in this room, in this music, in the refuge of the piano and strings and all this glorious abandonment of reality? Dario Marianelli, you are the man of the hour.  I’ve been listening to his soundtracks from Atonement and V for Vendetta, and they are amazing.  Simply amazing.

i’m pissed off.

Why, tell me why, would he do that?  Why would he do such a disgusting, perverted thing in front of me?  Is it because our conversation was much too boring that he had to add in something like that?

I’m beginning to think that he did this for a reason.  He knows how much I am opposed to doing any of these things and “exploring” these things, and so in an effort to get rid of me he deliberately laid it out in front of me just to disgust me and make me break up with him.

I was so infatuated with him.  I thought of him all the time, thought of all the awesome things we did together like go to Montreal, listen to jazz music together, ran around Kanata in the snow freezing our butts off — we had a great time.  Everything was perfect.

Then the discussion began: “How would you quantify our relationship?”

“How do I make you feel?”

“What do you like about me?”

I couldn’t give him a straight answer for any of these.  I can’t help but think that it is my fault that he’d resort to such a thing.  I must admit that I don’t do much talking so it’d probably be kind of difficult to have a relationship with me because I don’t give much feedback.  But anyway!  That’s out of the question.

It was 4am his time and he was still up.  Normally, he’d be in bed by like 12pm but no.  He was still up.  Apparently he had been up all night.  I know that he went to a pub tonight, he told me earlier he was going to some pier and I am pretty sure he drank quite a bit.  He had that higher pitched gentle voice that he usually has when he’s…..happy?  For lack of better term.. or rather, appropriate term..

I am angry at him right now.  I am angry that he had the audacity to do that.  I am angry because I feel so cheap for liking a guy like that.  I feel angry because it makes me feel stupid and naive and insecure and I feel like I might get weathered by this experience and become one of those insincere women whose main purpose is to make guys’ lives hell.  I don’t want to become that.  I don’t, at all.  I don’t want to hurt anyone.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I don’t.  I don’t want to make anyone do anything that they would not want to do and would not push them into something they are not comfortable with.

I think I need to face the facts that we are two very completely different people.  I really don’t want to lose him — that is what makes me feel a bit sick, though.  Perhaps it was desperation that led me to him.  I didn’t really… I mean… in the club.. he looked at me quite intently.. and I was ignoring him all night.

Why, Alyssa, why do you subject yourself to this?

I am definitely learning a lot.  I just, I just hate that this would end up the way it has.  I feel as though our relationship has ended tonight.  I feel like he wanted me to break up with him.  I feel like he doesn’t like me at all.  I feel stupid and worthless for letting myself get into such a relationship.  I feel like I’ve lowered my standards so much for the sake of making him like me.  If he can’t accept what I am and what I believe in then perhaps he did not like me as much as I thought he did.

Nice choice, Alyssa.

You’ve got to do the right thing, and you know what that is.  There are plenty of other decent guys out there — much more decent, and he is not included in that decency list.  You know it.  You knew it all along.  It was fun, but now it’s time to face reality that that is who he is.  You can’t change him.  You can’t.  He is who he is, and if you can’t accept him how he is now, then it will be difficult for you in the future to remain in this relationship.

i’m pretty tuckin scared for the new year

I wish I could start off the blog with a more optimistic title, but alas, I promised myself I would not lie on this blog.  It is here that I can be completely honest with myself and the world, not to mention more articulate that I would in speech.  What’s with my tongue lately, anyway?

It has been a long time since I’ve actually sat down and did some free writing.  The past 3 months in Ottawa have been a roller coaster ride and I have had many — I wouldn’t say life changing, but character changing experiences.  Before I left, I was this awkward, insecure, unassuming, sheltered little asian girl from BC.  Sure, I might still be that girl, but I very much am less and less those things every day.  I felt that being around all those friendly people has made me into a better person.  I’ve never felt more comfortable with myself, to be random, to be and to say what it is that is on my mind.  I’ve done some social experimenting I guess you could say.

There are some things I am unsure of, however.  One thing in particular.  It’s about a boy.  We’ve been seeing each other for the past three weeks.  Sometimes I worry that he’ll realize what I weirdo I am and not like me anymore.  Other times, I think that we could be together forever.  This is my first relationship or rather, first person I’ve dated, and I’ve been told that there’s a lot of impractical thinking that comes with one’s first “boyfriend”.  Or date.  See, I’m so afraid of moving too fast.  I’m afraid that I might be looking into it way too much and that the other person is not putting in as much as I am, emotionally, that is.  Ultimately, I’m afraid of giving myself away to someone who really does not want me as much as I want them.

I really do not know why I like him.  Do I like him because he seems to like me, or do I really like him?  Do I like him because of the way he makes me feel when he tells me all these nice things or do I like him for who he is?  I admire the person he is, that he is confident, driven, funny at times, and seems to have a pretty good sense of self.  But, I don’t know.  When it comes to telling him how I feel about him, I just can’t let it out.  Does that make me emotionally stupid?  Why can’t I express the way I am feeling on the inside?  Where is the depth?

In about a year or so, I am going to graduate.  Of course that question is always being asked “What are you going to do after you graduate?”

My usual response, being “I’m not sure”, just doesn’t seem good enough anymore.  I mean, first year, second year, sure.  But really, I’m almost at the finish line and would’ve thought I’d have it figured out by now.

Truth is, I’m pretty damn scared.  There are a million things I want to be and want to accomplish.  I know that I am a dreamer and that I want more than I know I can have because I know there is infinite potential in everyone’s life.  I just don’t know how to grab it.  There’s this gut feeling I have that tells me I need to break out and just run away and do whatever it is I need to do to get there. Then something that disguises itself as reality tells me there’s not such thing as there.

Fear, insecurity, wasted potential, baggage, parents’ expectations, the status quo, finances, comfort zones, you name it, the list goes on.  Everything seems to want me to fail and I am giving in at the moment.  I will take a stand, however.  I will.  I will not waste time trying to figure out what it is that is holding me back, I will take a positive stand and move forward.

I feel like being positive is the right move and the only move at the moment but my current headache is preventing me from doing so.  I plan to accomplish much this year but am too lazy, too afraid to begin.  I’m being a loser today and I need to stop it.

I have a headache and need to eat otherwise this blog’s going to get a lot less interesting and perhaps angrier.

Later.