Something’s different. Being here makes me feel a lot different about life. I think the sheltered life I lived back home really kept me in a dark corner. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t have at least 5 things I regretted that day. It was a never-ending cycle of self-hate and worry and anxiety and loneliness. That sounds pretty lame, yeah, but its true. The thing is, I’m still the same person I was back home. But one thing I think, is different. People don’t ignore me. Back home, everything is set in stone. People have formed their solid circles of friends. There’s no invite here and there, its either you have your set of friends or you don’t.
I actually like meeting new people. I used to loath it, I guess because deep down I thought that nobody actually wanted to meet me anyway. I didn’t want anyone to know me long enough to see all of the nerdy, dorky things I do, that make me, me.
I’m realizing that it is okay to be the way you are. Its okay to be different. Its okay if you don’t fit it with everyone, if you aren’t as funny as that person, if you aren’t as pretty as her, if you aren’t as stylish as the next person. What matters most, in my opinion, is the optimism you bring to the table. It matters that you feel that every moment matters, and that you make the most of it. That sounds trite, I know. But I’m realizing how true that is right now. It’s not who you were yesterday, but its who you are right now that matters. You think that people have passed judgement on you but I’ve realized that you can never measure up to peoples’ expectations.
You can’t worry about what other people think of you. You can’t worry about whether you made a good enough impression that they want to stick around. It is that very thought that changes the way you do things, and its a bad sort of change.
Anyway, today is one of those days where I feel that I don’t want to leave it. I’m enjoying myself here, and all of the friendships I’m making. I’m loving this place and have a certain peace with it. Everyone is in the same boat, and going through similar situations. Everyone is connected and related. I don’t think anyone dislikes anybody, really. And I love that. The sad part is that I know that all of this will come to an end in December when my work term is up. Life is going to continue. It hurts, but at the same time, I need to remind myself that the best is yet to come. I have to. I have to.
Savour every moment. Soak up the sunshine. Be nice to everyone and work hard!
Love,
Alyssa
