golf is… humbling, to say the least.

The past month, I’ve been at the driving range practicing, at least 3 times a week. I’ve hit for the most part, pretty consistent shots at the range each time. Come game day (today) I couldn’t duplicate most of the shots I previously made. I found myself constantly stressed and completely self conscious as I hit pretty bad shots in front of my dad and two other men from the golf association my dad is with.

My dad had to constantly remind me to relax, enjoy the game, and just swing as if I were swinging at the driving range. Relax, enjoy the game, relax, relax some more. I think that getting your head in the game is something that one cannot really prepare for. For one, there’s the pressure of playing fast so as not to hold up the people behind you, the obvious one, keeping your score low and just playing impressively. Aim is also another thing. I just felt like my emotions and my consciousness were being tested with every shot.

Boy, do I admire Tiger at this point. Sure it looks so easy on tv, like, oh yea I can totally make that shot. No way. I’d have to say that playing golf is 50% mental and the rest is the physical/technical part of the swing. Anyway, why all this boring talk about golf?

I’ve been trying to reflect on what this might imply for the way I “do” life. I can spend so many hours trying to prepare, trying to think of challenges or obstacles and ways to overcome them but sometimes the best thing to do is to just go for it. Granted, it is probably best to think things through first, but I find that I, personally, tend to get caught up in the “thinking” and end up lagging far behind in experience, because I’m just too afraid to find out that I might not be good enough. I take comfort in the driving range because no real decisions are made, its all practice, it can all be made better in a sense, but nothing is actually happening or progressing.

So I’ll finish off with this: If you want to move forward, you’ve got to step out of your comfort zone. You’ve got to stop being such a girl (interestingly, today my dad’s friend told me he thought I was 18… I’m 21!) and start becoming a woman. Make decisions. Its okay to make mistakes. Make a solid decision instead of letting time make the decision. Go for it. You really never know until you try.

Its sunny out. I have a crazy shirt and sock tan. Oh man. Later days.

a letter to my future

I don’t know what you are, where you are, or why. There are so many things that you could be. Since I’m in electrical engineering, it could be inventing, programming, or simply electrical engineering. I love music, guitars, drums, the piano.. You could be just that. I love making food and baking for friends. You could be that too. I love family. Again, you could also be that.

The possibilities are endless just like the potential is. But the one thing that most certainly isn’t is time.

If you were meant for me, how can I get to you? What decisions am I making right now that affect how you turn out? Will I love what you become as I move forward in this life?

Will I grow complacent with something that means nothing to me and become a statistic?

Will I choose passion over wasted potential, decision over indecision, light over darkness, life over death, love over hate, music over silence, perseverance over laziness and fear?

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Take it one day at a time.

-Alyssa

never been kissed..

So my aunt asks at lunch today: “So, do you have a boyfriend?” with a grin.. I reply “No, I don’t. Actually I’ve never had one.” She replies, “Oh really? No boyfriend? So you’ve never been kissed?”

That was a little awkward. But she kind of sounded pleased. Pleased in such a way that the magic was just waiting to happen. I’d like to think so.. haha. In a way I am proud of the fact that I haven’t been. I plan to wait until marriage for most activities such as. That might sound amish like to some, but all I know is that I won’t regret waiting. This is a whole ‘nother topic, though.

I’m curious, however. Is it odd that I am 21 years old and haven’t dated anyone before? I mean, there were maybe 1 or 2 in high school, but nothing that lasted long enough for me to call them officially my boyfriend. But that was ages ago.

I have four older sisters. They’ve all been or are in a long-term relationship. One is married, another is getting married this October. Yet another is on and off with her boyfriend (for the past 6 years, in fact.. talk about complicated?) The oldest was supposed to get married this year, too, but alas, life happened and that didn’t work out.

Why the background info? I guess it shines a bit of light on my situation. I guess that by writing this on my blog, I hope to get some feedback telling me that its not that bad, that I’m not that weird, that its normal for some people to not get into relationships until later in life. Because, when I compare myself to my sisters, I totally feel like the black sheep.

They were the popular girls in both elementary and high school. I was never that. I mean, I always had a close group of friends, but was never in the cool group. Not that I cared at all, but I’ve always thought that implied something and I don’t know what.

What do you think? Any advice you could give me? Perhaps, tell me I’m not so abnormal.. that maybe I’m just a late bloomer? This sounds so lame. Such are my thoughts sometimes, but what can you do.

Back to breathing….. catch ya later.

Defining moments..

Have you ever had one of those moments in your life where you inspired to change in a big way or.. to finally decide to take a step toward something you’ve been wanting all your life?  I’m sure defining moments have been described a bit better than that.. but at any rate, I would love to hear about yours.

I have so many dreams.  So many paths which I want to take, but I don’t know where to start, where to start narrowing them down.  I have the first fruits of everything, it seems.  But I’m not excellent at any one thing.  I’m a fourth year engineering student.  While I may have the aptitude for it, I certainly don’t love it.  I love music.  I love cooking.  I love desserts and picture-perfect pastries.  I also like a competitive environment that requires leadership and teamwork.  The corporate atmosphere.  I like working on my own hours.

I dream that one day I will own my own business.  It’ll involve something I am passionate about and I will be successful at it.  I don’t know what it is I’ll do, but I do know I want to get there somehow.  I know the steps I am taking, the decisions I’m making will have an impact on the path to there, or whether or not I’ll even get there.

We’re planting seeds in our lives every day with the decisions we make.  Every moment counts.  Every time you decide to take the easy way out,

to take a nap,

to avoid conflict,

to stay silent when your opinion is loud in clear in your own head,

to get lost in the past,

to get buried in guilt,

to regret “those moments,”

to hold a grudge,

You’re moving away from something else.

Every time you stand up for yourself,

lead the way,

choose to do what is right,

go against the crowd,

hold fast to what you believe in despite the circumstances,

persevere,

learn from your mistakes and move forward,

forgive someone before they ask for forgiveness,

love someone who hates you,

raise your voice when things are just not right,

you are moving toward something great.

It’s the small things that count.  I love the quote “We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.”  That makes all the difference.

I don’t know how I ended up with that.  I guess the lesson of the day is to embrace every moment.  How cliche.  But seriously, it is true.  We can all define moments where we’ve made huge decisions that have changed our lives, but I think that every moment has contributed to us moving in a certain direction.  Are the choices you are making today the right choices for you?

Humble pie, anyone?

Lately, I feel as though every ounce of pride I have has been hit and hit hard.

Sometimes, I just don’t realize when I am being proud, other times I do.

For instance, I went to my first session (in a long time) of golf lessons.  The golf instructor started off the lesson with some very very basic things.  I was sort of restless because the lesson seemed to target beginners.  At one point I made an “oh my gosh, I can’t believe I signed up for something so simple” sort of eye rolling gestures.  I had to catch myself before everyone else in the group did and unfortunately I think I was detected.  Later, I arrive home and my dad tells me that teacher had taught the greats (Vijay Singh, Mike Weir to name a couple).  Don’t I feel foolish.  So foolish.  I don’t know what I thought I would get out of the lesson if I put forward that bad attitude.  That situation has been on my mind, as I keep looking back and thinking, what an idiot, Alyssa.  You thought you were so good at it.  You don’t have any idea!  I just…. Gah.

Another instance.  My friend thought it would be funny to pretend he had secret feelings for me and confessed his liking of me.  A similar situation happened a few weeks before and I told this friend about it.  To be honest I did think that he may have had a thing for me but anyway, I gave the whole “I’ve been getting that vibe but I just want to be friends” speech.  After which he sharply replied, don’t flatter yourself.  And proceeded to tell me he was joking.  That pissed me off.  And I told him that it did.

At any rate, I still learned, or am learning a valuable lesson in pride.  It won’t do you any good.  It doesn’t benefit you in any way and makes it very difficult for you to learn anything new or even improve on something you already know how to do.

Maybe that’s the reason why I have been giving up lately.  The moment I see a potential for failure, I pull back just to avoid it.  But what I’m really doing is making it harder for myself to succeed.  I’m spending so much time trying to protect my pride and how others view me that I forget to actually work on and improve everything that is me.  To move forward.

I was uneasy writing this blog as I felt tingly and not wanting to relive the moments I just mentioned.  However, I’m glad I did it.  I feel much more at peace, since I’ve actually learned something from all this.

Now I can sleep.