I’m Alyssa. This is my first post, and oh, will it be a dramatic one. This is me at my lowest. Just to warn you, I will be saying a lot of stuff that perhaps you will not agree with and maybe I don’t even agree with. Today I’m going to let my emotions do the talking. To clear my mind of all the guck thats jamming my brains at the moment.
I am sick and tired of feeling like I’m constantly being judged, like I have to always position myself, or make decisions to ensure that others will get a good impression of me. I am sick of being a people-pleaser. What I have found is that people can be so selfish. I hate snobby people and I hate it when I feel like I have to be one when I wear certain things. I hate how this society portrays young people and how the media has made such a sacred thing as sex to be something of a regular habit. I hate it. All you people out there, would you get a damn clue? It will never satisfy you. Open your eyes. It’ll never be enough.
One other thing. All these people that judge Christians. The moment you do something wrong, everything you believe in is a sham. We’re not perfect, so stop trying to put us on a pedestal that you’re just waiting to tip over. Just because we have standards, just because we believe in purity, in doing the right thing in everything we do, does not mean that we do everything perfectly. If you don’t believe what we believe in, then so be it. No one is asking you to judge us because we believe in something. No one is asking you to keep track of our wrongs. Just because we show you a different way of life does not mean we’re forcing it down your throat. Get a clue. No one is a victim here. No one can make anyone believe anything.
You know what’s funny? I think people criticize us Christians more than they do the media. At least we’re standing up for something worth while. And don’t get me wrong. Please don’t confuse my frustration with being self-righteous. I’m not perfect. I’m faaaaaaaar from it.
Like I was saying above. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be catering to everyone else because in the process I’m losing touch with what I want, with the things I truly want in life. I’m losing touch with the most important things in my life. Of course “everyone else” includes my family, who are among the most important things, however……. I just need to find my own path.
Do what you love… what I heard years ago. Before I even entered university. They warned me. You won’t be happy if you just do what your parents want you to do. And I’m not. I feel like I’m not even good at anything. I feel so angry at the world because it seems like they’ve taken all that I loved away from me, while I gave everything I had to them. The world is selfish. Maybe I was selfish. I don’t know. I’m not going to waste anymore time trying to analyze the situation. F*** that.
I think that I’ve gotten into this self-loathing stupid cycle of weighing out the pros and cons. I’ve spent too long trying to list them that I can’t even come to a final decision. I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know who I am right now. I do know that I’ve spent way too much time reading and thinking and reflecting and so on that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to actually take action. To be proactive. To live life. To live a passionate one at that.
I’ll be done university in one year. Four years will have passed. What have I learned? I’ll tell you right now, I don’t even know what an electrical engineer does, yet I am a year or so away from becoming one. I am lost. God help me.
I’m in a period of my life where everything seems so vague and so full of limits and things I can’t do. When does it start to become a life of opportunity, a life of passion, a life of dreams, a life .. worth living? Defining moment… when will you come to me?
